TWA Tournament Championship – The Butter Battle

“Dairy of a Madman” by David Webb


“The Butter Thief” by Donald Jacob Uitvlugt


TWA 60 TITLE-01And so, short story lovers, we come to the final round of our first ever tournament. Both David Webb and Donald Jacob Uitvlugt have been writing stories since late September to get here. They’ve bested the arena champions, tackled photographs and mind control, and even stopped off for a chat with death.

Then, to reward them for their efforts, the arena dished out one of the more hellish prompts we’ve ever come up with: butter.

None of us behind the scenes had any idea what we would have done had we been given this prompt. How do you make a solid story out of a prompt like butter? And were this our third round in the tournament and we had already spent sleepless nights battling it out to get here…we just want to say that both of these authors are champions in our minds. We did not issue this prompt lightly, despite how silly it seems. We issued this prompt knowing that it represented a terrible challenge. We issued this prompt knowing it was worthy of being the first ever championship prompt in The Writer’s Arena.

But, that being said, we now must pick a winner.

Who whipped up a tale that will deliver? Who turned in sour milk?

Let’s find out.

First up is David Webb with “Dairy of a Madman.”

Fighting him is Donald Jacob Uitvlugt with “The Butter Thief.”

The Final Butter Battle has begun…

We have two judges that will render their decision next Wednesday. The third vote comes from you, the readers. We ask that you read both stories objectively, and then leave a comment below or on the story itself. Authors are not allowed to comment on their own stories, but we’re sure they’ll be checking in here. We’ll tally up the totals and announce our champion on Wednesday.

And remember, if you like one of this week’s stories, vote it up in the new all-time best of list (new stories appear at the bottom).

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  1. Don’t forget: When you read a story, leave a comment. These guys have worked hard. Show them some love!!

    Plus, if we get enough comments, there will be an extra buttery treat on an upcoming episode of the Human Echoes Podcast.

  2. Jesus Christ, guys–butter–what were you thinking?! It’s so difficult.

  3. I know exactly what they were thinking. They were thinking “They’ve got this far, and they’ve worked pretty hard. What we need now is to get the measure of them. How far will they go? How much sanity will they sacrifice in order to win? In short, what can we do to them?”

    And then one of them – and we may never know which, but my personal theory is that they formed a terrible gestalt entity known only as AlJoTon – came up with “Butter”. And at this, AlJoTon cackled hideously as the skies darkened and the earth split asunder. Then they took the afternoon off.

    And well they might. Since the start of the final round and the revelation of the final prompt I have not been able to face toast. My crumpets go unbuttered. My baked potatoes are adorned only by the most basic seasonings. This is the terrible power of the prompt – animal and dairy based fats haunt me instead of merely piling on around my middle. I have spent a week trying to find gothic rhymes for butter, and there aren’t any, so my butter themed parody of The Raven goes nowhere. It’s enough to make you pull yours cousin’s teeth out.

    Which of us will conquor it? Only the Judges will be able to tell us. Or the public vote, if the Judges split their decision. Or a combination of the two.

    Go! Go now, and cast your vote! Leave a comment, if you’re brave enough. And maybe switch to mayo for your sandwiches.

    • You use butter in your sandwiches?

      • Yes.

        Generally, a Brit sandwich is two slices of bread and one filling along with a thin layer of butter on the bread. If you can’t afford a filling, you just have bread and butter. This is also an acceptable snack.

        When I was very small, we used to have Rainbow Sandwiches. Bread, butter and sprinkles (known locally as “Hundreds and thousands”) as a dessert.

        An old-school delicacy: toast and dripping, where dripping is the fat taken from a roast and allowed to cool.

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